I won’t have a post up next week, on account of I’m getting married this weekend.  Which explains some of my scatterbrained nature these last few weeks, as whatever originally passed for gray matter in my skull has since been turned into tulle and sparkles and vitally important questions like who’s taking care of the damn tablecloths.  (Answer: Why does it even matter?  They’re tablecloths, not important stuff like rings or licenses or making sure my bridesmaids don’t attach an ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY ASS sign to my back.)

I admit that when I thought up this post, I’d originally planned it as a long involved comparison between planning a wedding and writing a novel, ending up with some nice little platitude about the process being unimportant, so long as the ultimate result was good.  Only that’s not going to happen, because the two things are not at all alike.  Yeah, you can get them to match if you approach the metaphor in a Procrustean way, cutting off most of the details and stretching the remaining ones.  Do that, and the same comparison could apply to baking a loaf of banana bread as well.

So instead I’m going to just list a few things I’ve learned from fiction about weddings. Because that’s about what my brain can handle at the moment. Those who’ve gone through this already and those who just know what they’ve read/watched/thought up are invited to post more.

1) Always be sure that the person who shows up is actually the bride or groom you intended. If green slime is oozing through the veil, or if someone’s been singing “Brown Bear of Norway, turn to me” in your bedroom late at night, that’s probably a sign something’s up.

2) If the bride starts glowing and then disappears in a blaze of light, either it was never meant to be or there’s some spacetime shenanigans going on.  Either way, go ahead and start the reception without her.

3) For the love of God, get some premarital counseling first.  I have had it up to here with stories that end with a bride in full gear (right down to the sparkly shoes and the tiara) deciding at the last minute that no, her True Love is really someone else!  (Spider-Man 2, I’m looking at you here.)  Ignoring the whole issue of broken hearts and whether this will actually make for a good start with your True Love, it’s just impractical.  And after spending $mumble on this wedding, it makes my miserly little soul shrivel up even more.

4) All vows should include the line “do you promise not to blast your empress of the hour into space — at least until such time as you grow weary of her.” (Paraphrased from Flash Gordon.  I understand at least one of my attendants is very disappointed that we don’t have a Ming the Merciless-themed wedding.)

5) One can always skip to the end, but there may be questions about the legality of it afterwards.

6) Watch out for Scotsmen on horses. (I admit this is what always comes to mind when the “speak now or forever hold your peace” bit comes up.)

6) Forget the Bridezilla.  If I’m going to be running around screaming single-mindedly for a full day, I have much better role models.